Addiction Is a Family Disease

By Meghan Vivo

When a person becomes addicted to drugs or alcohol, they become the focus of attention of everyone around them. Mom and dad want to protect their child from harm, sister or brother wants to show the addict the error of their ways, and friends and relatives go to great lengths to convince the addict that they need drug rehab treatment.

With all the attention focused squarely on the addict’s needs and issues, what happens to the family? What about their needs? How can they help their loved one while also protecting themselves?

In the book Stay Close: A Mother’s Story of her Son’s Addiction, author Libby Cataldi explores the way addiction affects the family and offers advice for others who are struggling to take care of themselves while also tending to the needs of their addicted loved one.

“Addicts aren’t the only ones who experience the pain of addiction,” she says. “It’s all of us – the siblings, parents, family, and friends – we all feel it.”

Families face a number of obstacles in dealing with a loved one’s addiction. Despite having the best of intentions, it is easy for family members to blame themselves, stay silent, try to fix the problem, get angry or give up. Once people adjust to living in dysfunction, it can be difficult to re-connect in a healthy way. Libby’s story of coping with her son’s heroin addiction shows that education, support and treatment can empower families to deal with a loved one’s addiction in a healthy way.

“There are a lot of books, resources and recovery centers out there for addicts, but there isn’t enough support for family members,” notes Libby’s son, Jeff. “And it’s the family members who suffer the most.”

According to the National Institute of Drug Abuse, 10% of the population is addicted, one in four children under the age of 18 live with an addicted parent, and for every addict four others are directly affected, explains Libby. “Clearly, there are a lot of people out there dealing with addiction and in desperate need of support and help. But families can learn from each other.”

And that’s why she wrote the book. Throughout her family’s struggle with addiction, Libby learned many lessons that can help other families in similar situations.

Staying Close Without Enabling

The primary lesson Libby learned was to “stay close” to her son during his battle with addiction without withdrawing love. The trick, as she later discovered, was learning to stay close without enabling his addiction.

“What I did is I enabled, enabled, enabled,” she explains. “He'd get arrested; I'd bail him out. His car got towed; I'd pay his fine. He'd do this; I'd do that. He'd drop lower; I did more.”

When this approach failed, Libby realized she had to let her son feel the pain of his choices, rather than bailing him out of jail, giving him food and shelter, or paying his bills. “By trying to protect him, we all suffered more,” she writes in Stay Close. “He needed to endure the reality of his decisions and the starkness of life on and in the streets. Only when he felt loneliness, misery, fear, cold, hunger, panic, paralysis – only when he was desperate, depleted, and broke – only then did he choose a different life.”

“Addiction affects family members profoundly,” says Dr. Patrick MacAfee, a licensed family therapist and accredited addiction specialist who has worked in the field of addiction and recovery for 40 years. “They feel tremendous shame and try to cope in the best way they know how. But the usual ways of coping do not work with addiction – in fact, in most cases, they prolong the agony.”

One of the most common coping strategies results in enabling – the phenomenon of buffering the addict’s accountability. “As the family attempts to organize around helping the addict, the family becomes disorganized,” explains Dr. MacAfee. “Over time, the family begins to disengage – they love and hate the addict at the same time – which is when the real trouble begins.”

Based on her experiences, Libby advises, “Stay close, don't abandon, but don't pay the bills. Don't pay his cell phone. Don't pay to get him out of jail, don't.”

Honest, Open Communication

Looking back, Libby now realizes that she could’ve kept the lines of communication open wider during her son’s struggle with addiction. “I thought I talked to my kids,” she says. But since writing the book and speaking more openly about addiction with Jeff, she has learned that had she talked to him in an honest way without judgment, he may have felt more supported and been more open about his struggles in the early days of his addiction.

According to AA, sobriety can only be achieved through rigorous honesty. Libby is now open and honest with her son. She listens to his feelings and experiences without judgment. But she realizes his decisions are his own and she neither rescues nor punishes him for making them.

An Education in Addiction

There are many sources of education and support available to families of addicts and alcoholics. Libby encourages families to set aside their embarrassment and pride and attend Al-Anon meetings and read literature from addiction specialists. Although she was afraid at first that someone would recognize her at meetings and know that her family was having problems, she eventually found Al-Anon meetings to be one of the most helpful resources available to loved ones of addicts.

Although it’s easier to bury the problem or let ego get in the way of finding help, Libby advises, “We have to educate ourselves. A.A. is for addicts and alcoholics and Al-Anon is for those of us who love addicts and alcoholics. Al-Anon was my lifeline. I read, devoured their literature and listened and found tremendous support in the halls of Al-Anon. … I wish I had gone a lot sooner.”

Dr. MacAfee echoes this advice for families to go to Al-Anon. “Whether you buy into it or not, go for six months or a year, listen to the other families and see what you have in common,” he says.

Although individual therapy with a counselor who specializes in addiction and recovery can also be beneficial, Dr. MacAfee strongly recommends that families attend group therapy with other families who can offer mentoring, support and encouragement.

An Occasion to Give Back

No mother wants to write a book about her son’s addiction to heroin – but Libby Cataldi exposed her family’s pain to help inform others about the disease of addiction, hoping that it would help even one other person.

She explains: “The Big Book of AA states, ‘We think that each family that has been relieved owes something to those who have not, and when the occasion requires, each member of it should be only too willing to bring former mistakes, no matter how grievous, out of their hiding places. … With it you can avert death and misery for them.’ So what started as a journey for self and family became an occasion to give back.”

In the end, Libby’s message is one of hope. “Families need tremendous support. If you’re in pain, get help, talk to others. We are not alone.”